dumbbellgirl

(Please, excuse the rawness of this. My brain is scattered right now)

OK...it has been confirmed that I will, in fact, turn 40 years old this year. I'm not afraid and am not regretting facing this particular age, despite all the bad hype, black balloons and other comments and reminders that random, questionably-thoughtful people keep threatening me with. Sure, it's moving me that much closer to senior citizen status, but I personally feel that I continue to improve and get better with age.

Here's the real reason why I felt compelled to jump back on Live Journal and post a new entry: As of an hour ago, my dad has been officially diagnosed with terminal cancer. They haven't opened him up, yet to do the official confirmation, but I've known for a few weeks now that the reason why he has been turning a greenish-yellow color and losing a lot of weight was because the big bile duct from his liver to his pancreas has been blocked with a tumor. I had been praying that the tumor was just a simple, little liver tumor...the kind that can be eradicated easily and life is good again. My mom called me a few minutes ago and asked me to come over so she and Dad could "talk" to me. I already know what the "talk" means. It means he's been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and he's going to die soon. I've already cried about this profusely and broke down at work a couple of weeks ago, so I'm dealing with all the emotional things that go along with bad news like this. Right now, I am completely numb and I do not want to hear the "talk" or deal with seeing my sister get crazy and emotionally upset. As I sit here and type, I can feel the blood pulsating inside my head. I am sitting completely still and my head is throbbing and moving all by itself, involuntarily. Interesting.

Forgive me for being a bit manic in my writing. I am still not very good at recording my personal emotions as I feel them...it's something I've been meaning to develop, though. Right now, I am just full of confusion, uncertainty, anger, frustration, and am at a complete loss as to how I can fix this and make everything better for everyone, especially for him. I'm more concerned about what's going on in his head and with his attitude more than anything at this moment.

 I just realized that my dad is going to die and I'm barely past the age he was when I was born. If anyone out there has any "Do Over's" or "get out of terminal cancer free" cards to loan my dad, then I would appreciate them. I'm not ready for him to be sick because he's not done teaching me everything I need to know about being his successor. And, yes, I am next in line for the "strength of the family" title.

So, I guess all I can do at this point is practice the lessons my dad has taught me my entire life: If it's something you don't have any control over, then don't let it have control over you. If it's something that's really bringing you down and/or affecting others around you, then figure out how to positively control the things that you can change and make the best out of the situation for everyone, no matter how bad it is. Never forget how to love, because it is the key to forgiveness. We must forgive to be able to love...and live.

Namaste. For my dad.

October 11, 2007
Is it just me or is the theory that the longer someone stays in college, the more absent-minded he or she becomes actually true? Well, I have been a little, Miss Mc-forgetabout Mc-everything lately. I noticed this morning that I had forgotten to post a live-journal entry I wrote on August 15th. Now that I think about it, my memory has slowly been evaporating ever-since I was accepted into graduate school. There could be many explanations for it. Maybe it's because I have been feeling completely over-whelmed with the 80 hour a week required reading and journaling assignments from Hell or maybe it's because I stare at a computer screen all day and find stupid, uneventful ways to zone out when my work phone isn't ringing off of my desk. Phones. There's another topic I could rant about all day. Whatever.

So, do I need to add Ginko to my diet and does that stuff really work? Do I need to write my To-do lists on bigger paper? Do I need to stop training for marathons? Whoops! Time to side-track a little...Here's something non-runners can do for fun: hang out at the finish area at a marathon and watch the finishers. No, seriously. There's no doubt in my mind how entertaining it could become for some avid people-watchers. For example, if you were able to be patient long enough and wait for me to finish a marathon, then you would observe just how down-right loopy and cranky I can get. Never-mind that I had just completed a 26.2 mile jog just for fun, a technical t-shirt and a silly medal. Never mind that I had spent the last 7 miles of  the marathon doing math problems in my head so I can avoid listening to the nagging propaganda that my left-brain was trying to use in aggressive attempts to turn the rest of my body against me. Most probably, my back and hips would be aching, I would be walking funny, I would have blisters on the balls of my feet where I wasn't able to apply a good layer of duck tape, my contacts would be so caked over with salt and protein that it creates temporary cataract-like film ick on my eyes causing me to have trouble seeing things and I would be growing more frustrated trying to figure out why the banana someone just handed me has wiggling protrusions. No wait, those won't peel off because they're still attached to the human hand that's holding the banana. AAAACKKKK! Now, where was I going with this? Damn it. Well, never-mind. I need to get back to reading...Only 72 more hours of homework to finish before it's time to go to my evening class tonight. Carry on.
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August 15, 2007
I am sitting in front of my work computer, researching. I'm not doing anything terribly important and it's not really work-related. But, it is school related in the sense that I have a list of 11 books to find and have available when I begin graduate school classes on August 29th. I am assuming that this will not include the 274 other unbound articles, 6 journal essays, 4 class presentations and 2 observational/ethnographic projects I have to finish in order to complete the courses by the end of the semester. Of course, those things I mentioned that are not actually books are based purely on rumor and speculation at this time. <Insert evil, sarcastic remarks here>

When I saw the long list of reading materials looming in front of me after my advisor handed it to me, I looked at him and asked him if perhaps it was just a misprint. He took the easy way out and told me the Bookstore should be able to confirm it for me. I called the campus bookstore and, sure enough, eleven is the number. No more. No less. Eleven. I nearly stroked out as an old Sesame Street video flashback popped into my head: www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-GM2v1dXcs

Now, keep in mind that I am only taking 2 courses. My first class, "Liberal Arts Perspectives", requires six books to read. My "Interpreting the World: Knowing Other Cultures" professor requires only five books. Clearly, the Graduate School of Liberal Arts instructors are on crack.

I do not like to read...even though I really do. The chore of reading is more pleasant when the topic is something fun like Harry Potter or educational like Runner's World magazine (I swear, I only get it for the articles). It's not the actual content that I have a problem with, unless it's a math book. If someone hands me one of those and expects me to read it, I will take it as a personal threat and throw it back at 'em.

The reason why I am not a fan of reading is because it takes me at least three to four times longer than the average literate person to understand and absorb. Translation: I have Dyslexia. My brain forces my eyes to dart and dash all over the page of text as they skip over words and entire sentences. Going back to the math book mention, trying to read a page of numbers is pure torture for me. If I don't take conscious control over of my peripheral functions and slow my cognitive activity down, then my left brain will eventually register something that resembles regurgitated Greek text filler.

If I can manage to keep the purchase price of my new collection of study materials below $200, then I will feel a little better.

Yay! The torture of writing a graduate application essay is finally OVER! I submitted the final paper yesterday afternoon, a day before the deadline. I received the call this morning from my adviser confirming that everything has been accepted and officially approved. Why do I always do my best writing right before the assignment is due? Whatever. I am now enrolled into the MLA program at St. Edwards University and I start this Fall semester. This is so wonderful because I really missed going to graduate school. I am looking forward to finishing my  degree.

Of course, one of the really groovy things about this is that six hours a semester is paid for by the university because I work for them. Free education is like, totally awesome! One day, I will figure out what I want to become when I grow up. Wait a minute...I don't ever plan on growing up, so maybe that doesn't really matter. Cheers!

Today is the 3rd day of my fast. I had a great, deep sleep last night and I don't think I moved at all - I hardly ever sleep on my back. I really needed to sleep hard like that, though. I feel better because of it.

Friday evening was very challenging for me because I developed a really bad backache, huge hunger pains and all of my joints became very stiff and achy. That's part of the fast, though - repair mode. What was more challenging was that all of the emotions started flooding in. I wanted to move around and throw stuff and cry and scream and jump up and down and go nuts; but, I just sat reclined on my sofa and stayed as still as I could - a mental straight-jacket. I forced myself to allow all of the feelings and thoughts of everything wash over and through me...attack-rewind-attack. There was no sense on trying to resolve anything with myself during that time, either. It was better to force myself to keep quiet and not move. Near the end, I slipped into a transcendental state and then zoned out. When I brought myself out of it, I felt calm and peaceful. Zen-like. It was cool.

Reading this, you're probably thinking it's time for Laura to stop, now. No. That "trip" last night was good. I've experienced a lot of turmoil, pain and disappointment during the last few years and it all finally caught up to me because I allowed it to. All this time, I've been running away, hiding and refusing to deal with a lot of things because I knew it would be painful. Fasting isn't just about cleansing the insides of the body...it cleanses the soul. I do this to improve myself, not to hurt myself or to get attention. It's the only cure I know that works when everything else fails. But, just like healing a wound, everything gets worse before it gets better. That was a very difficult transition last night, but I'm glad I experienced it. I wish my back and joints and old injuries didn't hurt so much today, but I know I'll feel physically better soon.

Wow! I have forgotten how cold you can get when you fast. It's day two and my fingernails and toenails are blue-looking due to the lack of blood circulation. It's almost 1:00 PM CST on Friday and my hunger pangs and headache are almost gone. Except for the occasional growl and twitch, my tummy is staying content with digesting ice-cold water, fruit juices and hot green teas.

I noticed when I woke up this morning just how much better I'm able to breathe, too. The headaches have also subsided for the most part and my energy levels are actually better. I feel very alert, mentally and physically. The student workers told me that I'm not cranky anymore...one of them decided she needed to tell me that they were collectively planning an intervention last night that involved kidnapping me and force-feeding me vegetable soup today if my mood wasn't better. She agreed to make the call and cancel the mission to save me from myself. Kids these days! More later....time to go pee.

Total K-calories consumed on 3/1/2007: 645.0
Number of people who irritated me on 3/1/2007: 23 total
Number of people who I possibly offended on 3/1/2007: approx. 4.2 +/-

So, I started a 3 day fast last night around 5:30 PM. I have been feeling really physically cranky on the insides lately and I was getting tired of it. Hence, the decision to fast. This post is to remind myself what the hell I was thinking. If anyone else cares to read it, then please do. And, please do not be shy with providing comments of all shapes, sizes colors and opinions.





Now, the thing about fasting is that it requires will-power and mental focus to get through it. If I am able to talk myself into getting up at 4:00 AM on a Sunday morning and actually run in and finish a long-distance foot race over 6 miles without training for it, then I know I can get through a 3 day fast. I've fasted many times before during my earlier years, so I know I can do it. But, it's taken me a while to finally talk myself into fasting again, so this should be an educational journey.

Another thing about fasting is that you have to set goals and justify to yourself as to why you are doing such a thing. If you don't, then you can lose focus, give into the tummy grumblies, the bad headaches, the emotional and mental bitchiness that can often-times develop due to lack of caloric intake, feeling cold all the time, the body pains that increase because the cells start scrubbing all of your old injured areas and the over-all loopiness that can accompany the discomfort of not eating after just a few hours. Just so I can remind myself, I would like to add that the hunger pangs, body pains and crankiness goes away after 2-3 days. This is perfect timing since I will need to eat food again by Saturday evening so I can make sure I don't bonk during a 5K race in running on Sunday morning.

OK, now let's get back to why I'm doing this fasting thing. For the past few weeks, my insides have been rather crabby with me. I won't go into details as to why because I already know why and no one else needs to know. Let's just say I need to go into serious self-repair mode; by fasting, my cells will re-generate and clean stuff up and fix things much faster. I'm hoping it will make me feel better, which will be an easy sacrifice for giving up eating for a few days. I also remembered feeling a lot better physiologically after completing a fast and I'm hoping for the same results this time.

Armed with water, apple juice, orange juice and green teas for calories, I am half way through day 1. Only 2 more days to go!

I woke up this morning and within about 10 minutes of walking around to re-gain consciousness, the strangest thing happened...a Rap song developed in my head. I was so excited and knew that it was so cool, funny and original that I wouldn't forget it. I kept re-playing it over and over in my head so I could make sure to remember the words and how it went. It played in my head as I got ready for work, as I fed the puppies, fixed my lunch and drove to work. I even had it down and was singing it to myself as I was booting up my work computer. The phone rang and I answered it as fast as I could to get the caller off the line so I could write down my new, groovy tune.

And then, it happened. As soon as I opened Note Pad, I. Forgot. The words. UGH!

I was so bummed. I tried to remember it again, through-out the day. I thought I had the tune back, at least. But, the phone rang again and every last bit of my future top 40 rap hit had completely escaped me. That must be what I get for being a middle-class white girl with no mo' lyrical master in me. Word.

Today is a good day. It's Saturday and I feel good about myself. I feel happy. The sun has poked out of the clouds, my puppies are playing and actually bouncing around in the back-yard and the inside of my house looks, feels and smells totally clean again for the first time in a long time.

I started my day by waking up around 7:30 AM and getting dressed. I've been wearing a weight vest (21.4 pounds) since about 8:00 AM. For the past few weeks, when I'm at home, I've been wearing it around the house until I go to bed. I've gradually increased the vest weight and started out with it weighing about 5-7 pounds. When my body gets used to the weight, I increase it by a few pounds. What that does is force my body to burn more body-fat, which raises my metabolism, which forces my body to burn more calories, and so on. This will help me lose more weight and inches faster just by wearing it. Of course, modifying my eating habits and increasing the number of times I go to the gym and and do cardio workouts every week will help me to lose weight and inches more effectively. But, at this point, I will take advantage of every loss I can get.

Anyway, back to my day: I played with the puppies for a while, fed them and let them outside. Then, I ground up fresh coffee beans AND also ground up fresh cinnamon sticks. The kitchen smells great! After I fixed a fresh cup of coffee, I made an onion, cheese and smoked Pacific salmon omelet with a side of ruby red Texas grapefruit. I learned a few months ago that I really like salmon now...but, only if it's from the Pacific Ocean. I've found that Atlantic salmon sucks and tastes icky and completely fishy, no matter how fresh it is.

Now, I'm in-between doing house chores as I'm writing my first Live Journal post. Bravo has a "Six Feet Under" marathon on, so that's playing in the background while I do things. I've never seen the show, so every now and then, I get distracted. Thoughts: I really want to paint my living room walls, but I don't know what color and trim to go with. I really wish someone who has a good interior design sense would stop by and help me commit to a theme or something. I also want to get an area rug to help break up my L shaped living area. A nice 9'X11' rug would be great. I think I'll finally get the electrical outlets changed in the kitchen and bathrooms today, too.

OK...time to get back to work doing stuff. If I think about it, I'll post more about how my day is going a little later. I hope everyone who reads this is doing well and is enjoying the day, where-ever you are.